Thoughts

Death, something that I’m clearly extremely afraid of. Pictures, self-made scenes constantly haunt my thoughts, accidents such as car crashes, assaults and similar happenings that torment me, my thoughts are sometimes so “real” that I end up thinking it actually happened. Does this mean that I’m afraid that it’ll happen to me? The “movie clips” are often about myself. Friends sometimes happen to be there with me, depending on if they’re with me at the moment.I’m scared of cars as something might happen if I fall asleep, I’m aware of that in the blink of an eye there’s a possibility for me to have my face smashed against the car window, bleeding. I see it in front of me, I feel the pain, I’d say that I’m daydreaming, I enter a world of my own, though I’m in at the same spot. Same people, and the sound around me hasn’t changed. The radio, voices of the others inside the vehicle, the soft sound of the tires silently rolling over the asphalt.Everything goes quiet, I slowly enter this “slow-motion” like state, and the sound I earlier heard becomes slow and indistinct. I see it, I feel it. How the cars crash into each other. I feel the bones getting crushed, I hear the screams, and how the whole body goes numb ‘cause of the pain. Well, for some reason I feel that this is the time to wake up, but I just end up in this humongous darkness, is this my view of death? Am I actually dead in my parallel world?As I leave all this just a second has passed. You know the feeling when you're just about the fall asleep and manage to wake up right before the head has reached the car panel. Darkness, specially outside at night. Another environment that I can barely handle.The sick feeling of being followed, knowing that someone might drag you away any second.I can't possibly count all the times I've jumped up high when someone randomly appear behind the house-edge, the death metal that's constantly being played in my ears doesn't really help me.Though I can't say that I walk around “night-dreaming”. I'm more creating different scenarios, scenarios of things that actually could happen. I scare myself up, with the stress slowly joining in, the fear begins to haunt me. The heart beats faster and faster, I end up running, as fast as I can in order to reach my goal. I hyperventilate, head keeps pounding, harder and harder. I've almost fainted several times 'cause the intense pain. Why is it like this? I often think about it, though there's a lot of things I end up getting caught with. Happenings I shouldn't bring up in a blog that's open for everyone. I believe it's the fear of everything coming to and end, the fear of everything disappearing, that I'll be left alone, in the dark. Death – My greatest enemy and my best friend.